a question regarding writing

I have a question for my fellow writers; to phrase it as succinctly as I can, how do you keep writing when your world is falling apart around you? I would love to hear your comments, so please leave them below, but this is a particularly challenging situation for me because, as I have said to close family member, I feel like “GOD” or the Universe or whatever “power” may be has stripped me of nearly all virtues through my life … kindness has only been met with the most cruel things I can think of (namely, pretending that I no longer exist), patience was lost long ago, my ideas of theft and other such “bad” things don’t seem to reside in the “good” place anymore; my body has betrayed me since I was 2 months old and it hasn’t stopped … so I feel no security. I have maybe one or two friends because I have bene forced to realize that the people who are there in the times you NEED them are very literally about one in a million. I’ve long succumbed to lust (although for the last many years I just don’t care) … and I could go on and on and on. I have been stabbed in the back – given sufficient time – by literally EVERY PERSON I have ever cared about. And now, the few things that are left? Hope, love, fun, positivity? They are all being stolen from me. And in all of these situations I have not been able to do a damn thing about it … or worse, I gave EVERYTHING I had to “fix” things only to be tossed out like proverbial garage, with my trust, honor, pride, stripped away before I even landed on the curb.

So I need help. I need to write. But this is all that is going on in my head and it is hell beyond anything I have ever experienced (and that is a HUGE statement for me to make). I NEVER get a break or get cut breaks. And honestly? I am actually starting to hallucinate because my brain is cracking under the pressure of just this. How can anyone even attempt to work or to write in these conditions given the past I have had? I honestly don’t know or I wouldn’t be writing this here and now. And I know, much sooner than I ever anticipated, my ability to love, my trust in anything, my ability to have hope – they will all be gone.

I don’t know what to do. And it’s a tricky situation because I don’t even know one person who has had a life that has been as difficult – so CONSISTENTLY difficult – in various (or many) forms as mine has been … which makes me feel like there is no one on this planet who can even understand what I am saying. Which makes me feel like a failure as a writer because I am unable to convey the torture I am dealing with every day – the torture I. have been living with for 10 months … the torture of knowing that one day there will be a stroke to the only being that has kept me alive and he will not recover. I just don’t know how to function. None of these woo woo bs “tactics” are working. Diversion works for about 5 minutes even if I try to prolong it … and the rest? It’s just nothing. I tis. the deepest sadness I have ever known and I pray every day, putting my boy’s head to mine that whatever powers there are put the cancer in my head and NOT his, because I have so obviously done something so egregiously wrong to have to suffer like this … and the suffering hasn’t stopped since before I was even sentient. How do you deal with that? I am so lost and I feel like everything that managed to stay inside of me is being ripped out … and there is not much left.

If you have any advice on any of this, please lave me a comment because I need one very desperately. Also, if you have any idea how to work or write in these conditions (given the serious illness and the lack of a degree, job history, &c. – all the things that have already been stolen from me that are now a million times harder to chase), please leave a comment.

I just feel like … my heart was broken into a million pieces when I adopted this miracle boy and losing him will make fixing that absolutely impossible. I will be irreparably broken … and I’m starting to be now.

and honestly … it’s awful because at least 1-2 x a month for the last 10 months I have had to go through events like this last stroke where I really think I am going to lose him. And he is so strong. And the fact that he fights with every ounce of that 9-lb body is amazing … but it is like I have dealt with the idea of his death hundreds of times in the last nearly year … and now that I know what I know … and I do have faith that he will be a miracle in this regard as well … I feel like I am living with … the best “metaphor” I can give to it is that I am living with the future ghost of my perfectly healthy cat. And if you don’t understand the level of seriousness of this with a cat … or you don’t understand how it feels to be saved by any other living creature, I just cannot listen to you. This boy has saved me atime and time and time again. And I don’t know WTF I did so bad in previously lives to incur this insanely negative and perpetual karmic retribution that steals EVERYTHING THAT MEANS ANYTHING FROM ME – and. I mean EVERYHING – I just want that punishment to be on me. Leave him the f*ck alone. He is the most beautiful and perfect boy (very literally) I have ever met … and he is such a gentle boy … he has NEVER done anything to hurt anyone. He even won’t touch human skin because he is afraid he is going to hurt us by contact with his claws. So if you’re going to hold me accountable for something I have no idea what I have done, HOLD ME ACCOUNTIBLE. no one who is near me should have to suffer for my failures.



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