Fairweather friends

I honestly don’t know how even to start to approach this one. I know I have hinted at it in many of my recent previous posts, but I’m having a REALLY hard time. Like … sobbing for hours a day not because my cat has cancer but because people I not only thought were my friends but people I have gone out of my way for and done a LOT for don’t give a damn.
Of those few I have confronted about it, I only get excuses and a whole barrage of “oh, well you have ____ disease too, if anyone would understand, I thought it would be you.” And I don’t take that shit. Why? Because if anyone in the privileged sphere we have that has the capacity to write or read things here, I am BROKE. I have NOTHING. Everything I had monetarily has gone to getting my cat to the point where he is now … and it has been A LOT of money. And money, as you all know due to my chronic illnesses, is not something that comes to me very easily. Besides the point.
So after I throw the try-to-make-me-feel-bad back in that person’s face (as well it should be; I have been providing guidance for DECADES as to what to do and how to beat this illness and every single suggestion I have offered has been ignored or rejected because the “side effects” were too bad. But guess what? If you have a potentially terminal disease that can throw clots and kill you at any time, that can take your vision or limbs at any time, that can claim your organs at any time, you shut the f*ck up and get past the side effects. And, as I have also said, the side effects get better the longer you are on the medication (largely chemotherapy … the first few weeks and months SUCK … but after a decade, it’s just life … and yes, I do have the experience and authority to say that.). Unpleasant side effects like puking or being weak are not ADVERSE EVENTS; that is, that if they pass within a day or two and you can get medication to treat the side effects, none of that is going to kill you. And again, out of most people I know with the diseases I have, I have been hit the hardest for the longest as of now … at least among people who haven’t died from this illness. Dr. Yazici – one of my saviors – always says that “the side effects of these medications are not good … but they are much better than what the disease can and will do to you.” I have lived the last nearly 20 years of my life by those words and I do believe I am starting to see my way out. I cannot say the same for the aforementioned person because this person is older than I am and still won’t just suck it up … and going through so much meds and going back and forth on meds is a BRILLIANT way to give this disease the upper hand. And I can say with 100% certainty (something I have never said to this person directly) that if you don’t grow a pair and deal with it, you will spend the rest of your life fighting this disease. And he will.

At any rate, that’s just one example. I cannot even begin to enumerate the number of people who are “animal lovers” of “FOR THE ANIMALS” who have either been extremely snarky with me or have simply sent me lots of heart emojis as if the heart emojis will accomplish anything. *For those of you who might be foolish enough to think otherwise, they just look nice, they don’t cure adenocarcinoma.* And the support I have given to these people in particular is ASTRONOMICAL, ESPECIALLY given my health and ESPECIALLY given I have given my time and money when my baby has been sick. So now I’m starting to wonder if anyone who has a service animal or preaches “FOR THE ANIMALS!” really gives a sh!t about any animals but their own and others that simply make them look good in the public eye. Think about that for a second. If your dog, the one who loves you and keeps you alive by announcing seizures (which I also have, in case some of you didn’t know that) were suddenly diagnosed with severe cancer … would I just leave him to die? F*ck no! But that is EXATLY what you are doing to me and my baby … and there are few absolute lines I draw but that is one that I will not cross. If that is the choice YOU have made, you’re out.

And just as a wrap-up here, since my boy went in to have surgery on his nose, I have been collecting change I have found on the streets, outside Targets and gas stations and pet stores and just walking … and now my total is up to over $4. That $4 has nowhere to go … so I will put it in to my own fundraisers (you know, by doing things like paying for it). But is there a reason you can’t do that? Is there a reason you can’t post it back out for me and get people I don’t have access to to donate? Is there a reason you can’t skip a coffee or a take-out pizza or whatever and donate that to help save the boy who has my entire heart in his body? You cannot come up with an excuse for not being able to do any of those things unless it’s just bullish!t.

I hope that moved something in you to help me out a bit. I just don’t know what to do with the current situation and we are going to our first oncology appointment tomorrow. The drive alone will cost more in gas $$ than I have raised on both my fundraisers. Which is not at all to insinuate I am not appreciative, because that does pay for something and it does help! And I thank each and every one of you who have donated and helped me with my boy more than I could possibly say right now.

And not to try to end this on a bad note, but fair-weather friends? In the instance of life vs/ death for someone who has a LOT of life left … I will be blunt here and just say that there is no way I can trust you if you don’t help from here on out. How could I?