“Oh, The Places YOU Will Go …”

This one is breaking my heart a little bit. I sat down with my leg up and started watching a random film on Netflix which takes place in Great Britain … and I swear I have been to some of the places in some scenes of the film. That summer was one of the best summers of my life … that summer when I fell in love, when I had REAL freedom, when I joined a group of students from Pennsylvania and Oregon (neither state had enough “qualified” students to make up a “full” study abroad “group”), when we got to explore so much of England, Scotland, Wales, and Southern Ireland (Wales has my heart forever). I am so fortunate because I was both lucky enough to be smart enough to get into various programs that took me to different places and to have parents that allowed me to go and do what I could do when I was well, which was something of a rarity when I was growing up as well.

Watching this now though … it does break my heart a bit. My younger sister is engaged to a guy from Scotland and she is over there now throughout all of this mess. I thought I would have MY “soul mate” by now (I know one … but that is a difficult story that I don’t know can ever be told) but I very much have had the last decade and more absolutely consumed by these illnesses. It breaks my heart in that and it breaks my heart in that THAT “should have” been me. I know “we” “shouldn’t” dwell on things like that but I think just shoving them aside and not accepting that they are there does even more damage to our hearts.

I am sitting with my leg up now because (to make a very long story short) I have had phlebitis so many times over those many bad years that it has formed varicose veins in one leg and just bad veins in the other … and my left leg has gotten so bad that even with a full tight compression stocking on it, my calf swells and throbs. I had an ultrasound done a few weeks ago which showed that not only do I have the obvious varicosities, but that the problems are emanating from my deep veins. I am going to see a general surgeon who specializes in vascular surgery tomorrow. I need surgery. I don’t know what that entails but the previous “surgeon” I saw (“surgeon” because he doesn’t actually perform any surgery …) told me the only way a problem like this where your deep veins are “leaking” can be solved is by physically surgically removing the problematic pieces of vein. I am in constant pain and I am very scared.

So when I see this station platform where as a 16-year-old girl I felt so free and alive and on my own but there with someone I really did love (and why is it that love cannot be enough when we are adults? WHY?!?! Especially in this world …. why?! You can adopt kids … and in this situation, my “replacement” has given him a couple of kids but stolen everything else from him *secret exposed – the person I told him he should date to see if she was a better fit since we were on opposite sides of the country. I AM THE PERSON WHO PUT THEM TOGETHER and I ONLY DID SO BECAUSE HE WANTED KIDS OF HIS OWN.* At this point, I honestly do not even think I care if that offends anyone because it is the truth and I have to get on with my own life. But I will tell you this – every “long-term” relationship I have ever had ended because I REFUSED to be any partner’s source of resentment. I would never have my own kids because I would NEVER want to pass on the horrific genetic marker that I have that has made me so ill; furthermore, it would be extraordinarily dangerous to the child and to me given the medications I have been on for nearly 20 years. With that said, I think I would be a great “mom” to an adopted child or children. I have ALWAYS said that I had no problem with adoption; my own mother is adopted and despite the horrible childhood she had she was closer to her adopted family in the end than her not-adopted brother. The thing is … I would never take anything away, which is what got me into trouble with the kids. I am not a “basic chick.” I’m about as complicated as they come. But if he would have said “adopted kids are JUST AS VALUABLE; WE ARE ALL HUMAN BEINGS (WE ARE! I HAVE A BIG PROBLEM WITH THOUGHTS THAT GO THE OTHER WAY! YOUR OWN BIOLOGICAL KIDS ARE NO BETTER THAN ADOPTED KIDS! THINKING THAT IS SICK!!!), I would have moved to where he wanted to stay so desperately with his family; I would have helped him to pursue the things HE WANTED TO DO … and I would have never made him into the callous person I don’t even know today. That is very sad to me. That is just one example …. but in every case, I COULD HAVE AND WOULD HAVE AS PROMISED, GIVEN THE OTHER PERSON EVERYTHING IN EXCHANGE FOR WAITING FOR ME AND SUPPORTING ME.

I think my memories regarding THAT relationship in particular have been bothering me because of the aforementioned seen SCENE as well as the fact that I have one of a very few remaining friends from high school who is acting like an idiot because of a girl with claws. That’s a good analogy. Most women have claws and men are stupid enough (generally) to fall for it, even not knowing very basic information about these women. I, however, seem to have been born and then declawed or conditioned like my own Sparky Puck to “no claws!” pull my claws back in when I see an opportunity to pounce. That is just not me. I am not underhanded. And I do care about my friends and it is very sad for me to see something like this happening. I can guess the outcome on this one … and I know it’s not one the friend has even thought of or would ever want.

This is getting very difficult to talk about and I am just crying hysterically writing this. That is just one facet of it all. It is just the whole of the fact that before I got SO SICK I HAD THE WORLD BY THE ASS. I was setting up for a study abroad in Scotland (oh, the irony), I was doing things I wanted, studying what I thought I loved at the time, and I was living in the greatest city I know of as of now. But my brain could have gotten me anywhere, my body could have gotten me anyone WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE IDIOT MEN WHO DON’T GIVE A F*CK ABOUT THAT BECAUSE THEY CANNOT INTROSPECT AND CANNOT THINK OF HOW SAD A LIFE WILL BE IN WHICH THEY GAVE THEIR HOPES AND DREAMS AND THEIR OWN PARENTS UP FOR WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN ACCOMPLISHED BY ANY SET OF WORKING FEMALE PARTS. But in general, I had traveled more than most people I knew even at one of the best schools on the planet, I was happy, I was in the best physical shape of my life, I was learning things most people can never attempt to learn … “OH, THE PLACES YOU WILL GO!”

And then BAM. Behcet’s went so ballistic I nearly jumped out of the 40-50-foot window at my apartment JUST TO GET OUT OF THE PAIN I WAS IN. Then I started bleeding. Bleeding out in my vomit, bleeding out the other way, almost dying, bleeding in my eyes. And then the optic neuritis and the aseptic meningitis and … I could go on and on but again, given the current state of my legs, I really cannot for my own mental stability.

I am starting to gain momentum in doing what I really want to do. But it doesn’t make any of the things I missed or the people who should have picked ME or any of the sadness and permanent scarring mentally, physically, emotionally, any better. I am praying by writing things out like this and by starting to move forward, slowly, things will get better. But my heart does hurt all the time as well. And having the VAST majority if not all of my friends made up from a group of people I have only met “online” through YouTube or other chronic illness communities, all of the things my FORMER “best friends” have done to me … I wouldn’t wish one of them on anyone. I have been treated like I am worthless and like I can never be anything … and that very literally IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWED the aforementioned period of being able to do ANYTHING.

I am sorry for such a sad post tonight. I have a lot to write about (especially regarding the aforementioned intellectual property stealing / PLAGIARISM … and many, MANY other things) but I am just very sad tonight and I have a hard day coming up tomorrow, so for now, I will just say that I hope you are all having a wonderful day or night wherever you are in the world and please stay safe and well. AND REMEMBER, YOU ARE ALWAYS IN MY HEART.

❤ Always, Beth