So I have been having very strange nightmares over the last couple of weeks (basically since around the time my flu started). They are strange because they are about an ex-boyfriend with whom I still speak but do not REALLY still love, To clarify that, I love the OLD boyfriend, the one that I knew when we dated, but we wanted very different things for our lives and he ended up marrying someone who gave him basically the bare bones version of what he wanted, which I couldn’t have done, and he basically gave up everything else for her. I think my nightmares start from that point – the intersection of knowing that I will always have some kind of residual “love” for this person and knowing that he has given so much up basically just to have kids (it’s a funny story, really, but I can’t divulge that here and now because it will give too much away). At any rate, in the midst of feverish, somewhat sleepless, angst-filled, and exhausted nights, my brain seems to have confounded the two so that it has become very angered by the behavior of the “wife” for taking complete credit for her “financial independence” (we all know this is a difficult task for anyone who has gone to attain any graduate-level degree; we also all know this is a difficult task for anyone who is raising children). I think my subconscious / unconscious is so upset about it because I do still CARE FOR (not want to be with; there is a distinction there) the well-being of this person, and although I do believe he is happy, that happiness came at what I consider to be too high of a price (i.e., giving up on your own dreams for your own career and success, funding someone else’s career and success and dreams, moving somewhere you don’t want to be away from everyone you know, &c. &c.). I suppose this hits home in the case of more than one person right now, but we’ll just stick with generalizations. I don’t feel that it is “OKAY” for ANYONE, male or female, not to give credit where credit is due and be THANKFUL like ON YOUR KNEES THANKFUL for the assistance (especially when you’re talking about what’s likely hundreds of thousands of dollars) – of course, it is not ME in these relationships, so it is not for me to say, per se. But FOR ME, I would not be mentally / emotionally happy knowing that I had given up everything not even to receive gratitude. I could make a VERY under-the-belt comment here, but I will hold my tongue.
At any rate, I just wanted to get that off my chest, so-to-speak, in hopes that the nightmares will subside. In my dreams the lack of thankfulness always manifests as something more sinister, like this person whispering in my ear while the guy is away that she is sleeping with someone else or something that isn’t just on the line of “good / bad” but is BAD because of the sneakiness and cruelty in stated intention. At any rate, I am hoping I will NOT HAVE THESE BLOODY DREAMS ANYMORE. I also hope very much the person I believe is living downstairs (or was?) has bloody LEFT (this car ruse is sophomoric at best; police reports are public, love); I have some terribly long recordings I must listen to and I have been far too busy (and more is coming my way!). Like I told Sparky Puck last night, however, it’s better to be hustling trying to get out of debt on your own even at the slow pace chronic disease allows than to sit on your fat a$$ all day or to claim you’ve accomplished something yourself that someone else did for you. He agreed.
I hope you are all having a happy and healthy day wherever you are in the world and I hope to be back soon soon soon! Please be careful out there – I have been advised by medical professionals with whom I would trust my life that there are NASTY bugs circulating around out there (ones you likely haven’t heard about); so please wash your hands carefully, wear a mask, stay the f*ck home if you’re sick, don’t rub your eyes or face, sanitize your workspace and home frequently, and just be careful! Thanks much for taking the time to read this and stay well!!!
❤ Always, Beth