Money Money Money … and Panic … ATTACKS!

I have so much to write and I have such a tendency to ramble on and go off on tangents so I am really going to make a concerted effort to discuss ONE topic (perhaps two if they “go together,” as the topics “money” and “panic attacks” often do!) at a time here. There is always so much to discuss and to think about during the holidays and there is so much that I have to write about about what has happened to and with me over the last few weeks but I just want to write as briefly as possible about something I have been thinking about a lot lately – money. I am sure I am not the only person on the earth who is grappling with this topic this time of year – if you’re not “loaded” to start with, this IS a difficult time of year financially, even if you only have a handful of people with whom you exchange presents. To be completely honest, as a result of mistakes I have made in the past – namely, trying fill the “void” of having lost so much from chronic illness with material things – I am in a very “tight” financial situation right now. Again, I realize I am far from the only person on earth who is dealing with being “strapped for cash” at this time of the year. If you are someone like me who also THINKS too much about just about everything, the ideas of not having “enough” money combined with the REALITIES of the future as well as thinking about how stupidly simple it is to MAKE MONEY combine to create this monster that spits out panic attack after panic attack.

However, I have made yet ANOTHER “resolution” of sorts with myself. After this “holiday season,” I have decided that I am going to set aside a period of time – I have not decided how long yet – and FORBID MYSELF FROM BUYING ANYTHING OTHER THAN ABSOLUTE NECESSITIES LIKE FOOD AND MEDICINE AND GAS DURING THIS PERIOD OF TIME. I have tackled the “psychology” behind WHY I have the tendency to be “bad with money” (I will discuss this in another post, but the gist is mentioned in the above paragraph), but I haven’t really tackled the REALITY of being “GOOD” with it. I know that as individuals with severe chronic illnesses making money comes as something much more difficult to us than it does for the “average, healthy” person. That is to say, there are very few people with chronic illnesses and / or disabilities that are fortunate enough to be able to work regular hours at “regular” jobs. We have to be kind of more creative than the “average bear” in order just to work our way to that level – so to go above and BEYOND that SEEMS to be a terribly daunting task. However, if you are like me in that you also realize how many ways there really are to make quite a bit of money, you re-release that panic attack monster when you become infuriated with yourself that you have somehow failed as a person insofar as not seeing that potential through. More on that later, however.

For now, I just wanted to throw out the idea that after the holidays, it might be a “good” idea for some of you – if you are like me in this regard, at any rate! – to set aside a “block” of time to “experiment” with living absolutely minimalistically. I also realize that “minimalist” spending for those of us with chronic illness looks nothing like the minimalism of the “average, healthy” person because drugs are expensive, the diets we must follow are expensive, supplements are expensive, health care must-haves like eye drops or certain mouthwashes and creams, &c., are expensive; hell, just the added money we have to spend on trips to the doctor in copays and in the cost of gas are expenses unknown by “most people.” HOWEVER, I am really anxious to see what the “result” of JUST SPENDING MONEY ON THOSE NECESSITIES is and how that affects my “bottom line.” I can still think of ways to make money and I can still keep on keepin’ on, but I do think it is a helpful “exercise” for those of us who are in the “chronic illness situation” to try it out and see what happens. I hope that was coherent! At any rate, I hope you are all having a happy and healthy day wherever you are in the world and I hope you are having a wonderful holiday season, no matter what you believe in or what you celebrate. *I want to get a little bit into this as well in a future post – perhaps the next one!* Here’s to a wonderful end of 2019 and best wishes for a HAPPY AND HEALTHY 20201

❤ Always, Beth

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