My apologies for the ‘radio silence” here these last few days / week(s?!). I’ve had a LOT going on, especially regarding my health (of course!) – I am actually just getting home from what I hope was my LAST round of “big fillings.” I will have to fill yinz in regarding all the craziness that has gone down but I had a thought that just came to me as I realized the seemingly indefinite nature of this incredibly long chain of coincidences in which I find myself continually ensconced.
I have been watching a lot of Korean “dramas” (K-Soaps …? is that the appropriate phrasing?) trying to widen my heart and mind to the Korean culture and language. At any rate, I have been watching this one called “Thirty But Seventeen” and it was a totally coincidental find (I thought it would be more along the lines of “The Parent Trap” or similar character-swapping “films”) but I have found myself relating far too much to the “main character” (to summarize briefly – the plot surrounds a brilliant young Korean violinist who finds herself the victim of a totally happenstance car/bus accident; she is in a coma for 13 years and wakes up at the age of 30, remembering everything from the time she fell into said coma at the age of 17, but possessing no diploma, no work experience, having lost contact with all her friends and family, having found that her home has been purchased by “strangers,” &c.). It is actually hard to watch at times because I very genuinely FEEL the pain again and again when this girl is turned down from working even the most basic of jobs because she has only a “middle school” education, &c. It is very much the same for me, albeit I had at the very least my BA(s) “stolen” from me (along with all of the other things mentioned – except for my family). At any rate, the conjunction of the realization of the continuation of the aforementioned chain of coincidences with watching this “drama” at this time has made me realize the importance of one thing – HAVING A PURPOSE.
In life, we all need to feel as if we MATTER in some capacity. I think that chronic illness that hits us when we are very young (like it has affected me) often tries to steal our dreams and our hopes for the future away from us – and it does, very literally, a damn good job of achieving that. HOWEVER, no matter where you are in life and no matter what illnesses or other obstacles you are facing, I think it is absolutely CRUCIAL that no matter WHAT you feel you have been deprived of and no matter what you feel has been stolen from you (and who, &c.), that you find MEANING in YOUR EXISTENCE IN RELATION TO SOMETHING OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF. I say this only because I think continually trying to be a “better person” for the sake of being a “better person” doesn’t quite fulfill the sense of “mattering” as far as the world is concerned. No matter where you are in your life, no matter what has affected you and how, I want you to please come up with some way in which you MATTER – it doesn’t have to be huge but it can be! Even if you “goal” is just to be a “good daughter” and to matter to your mother and father, that’s putting “meaning” to your existence. If your goal is to cure cancer, all the power in the world to you! I am just saying that the size and the scope of what you decide is your “meaning” doesn’t really matter – it just matters that you GENUINELY FEEL LIKE YOU MATTER TO SOMEONE OR MANY SOMEONES OR TO SOMETHING, &C.
That is something I am working on as well. It is not an easy thing to try to pin down, especially when you feel as if you too have awakened from a coma of 13 years. But I think for all of us, no matter who you are and what you have faced or continue to face, we need to MATTER in order to even start picking ourselves up and moving on with our lives.
And with that I will end this post! I hope you are all having a happy and healthy day wherever you are in the world and remember, my heart is ALWAYS with YOU!
❤ Always, Beth