“Sage Saturday”

I am having quite a bit of trouble with this drop in steroids – I am down to that just about 1mg prednisone “equivalent” and the drop is making me feel like a depressed zombie. I have run into so many AWFUL periods of withdrawal with this steroid taper – it has literally been the most trying overarching “period” of my life. I think it is difficult not only because the mood swings and the depression and the water retention and destruction of skin, bones, and teeth and all the other physical and mental/emotional side effects have been so intense but because they don’t necessarily FEEL like steroid withdrawal symptoms – it just feels like there is something organically and TERRIBLY WRONG with me. Life doesn’t stop to give you a week or two for the chemicals in your brain and body to try to “even out,” as we all know, and I have had to make a lot of serious life choices and deal with a lot of serious issues while dealing with all of this – most recently, it feels like I am a walking skeleton on 5′-long femurs with something of a peach for a brain (fuzzy feeling and dense) while the “me” that is “ME” is floating around about 20′ away from me. That’s the best way I can describe it. It’s a HORRIBLE, terrifying feeling. And there is absolutely NOTHING I have found that changes it – I just have to try to eat, drink, and sleep well and ride the bloody thing out … again.

At any rate, with that long “forward” aside, I thought of some sound “advice” today while pondering my own feelinglessness in the “now:”

NO MATTER WHETHER OR NOT YOU ACCEPT IT, YOU “SHOULD” DO WHATEVER YOUR HEART IS TELLING YOU TO DO – ESPECIALLY OVER LONG PERIODS OF TIME OR WHEN IT GIVES YOU REPEATED SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES THAT POP UP IN DREAMS OR IN DAYDREAMS OR TIMES OF QUIET.

I realize there is a lot to unpack there, especially with that nasty “should” and of course with the necessary insinuation of action, but I want to keep it simple. It’s kind of like that “go with your gut” thing – something that so does not apply to times like the one I am in in which my chemistries of all kinds are just so off and I can’t tell what I feel or think or how or why. But aside from steroid withdrawal or any other kind of withdrawal or mind-altering state, I do believe that what we “feel” and think is “RIGHT” in our “guts” / in our hearts is MORE OFTEN THAN NOT THE RIGHT THING TO DO. The same applies with people – it is like that Maya Angelou saying – “When people show you who they really are, believe them the first time.” If you are not happy where you are (physically or metaphorically / figuratively) and your heart is telling you to go elsewhere, GO! If you start dating someone and that person holds you accountable for a very minor “error” if it could even be called an “error” and you feel that it is not that person’s place to say what he or she said to you about it or to judge you in that way after so short a time, DITCH THAT PERSON BECAUSE I GUARANTEE FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE YOU ARE JUST GOING TO FIND THE SAME PATTERN OF RECURRENT BEHAVIOR, PERHAPS MONTHS OR YEARS DOWN THE LINE, BUT IT’S THERE. If your heart / gut tells you to run like hell from a person, place, or situation, DO NOT IGNORE IT! I have talked a lot about some of our “psychological glitches” in my past few posts, but I do believe this “gut feeling” / “deep-down feeling” we can sense coming from our physical heart / stomach areas is something to which we should really pay close attention. I am saying this, again, out of FAR too much personal experience – and if Ms. Angelou is (forever!) on board in believing in, I can only further believe it is true. “Go with your gut.” “Listen to your heart.” The sayings go on and on and on … and as I have said here too many times as well, cliches are often cliches for very good reasons. I do not think it is a “psychological glitch” when what we are doing and what we are feeling are at odds and you just feel like someone has punched you in the stomach or your heart just ACHES – I think it is either an instinct or some kind of “survival strategy” or coping mechanism that we have developed for very good reasons. I think a lot of people tend to ignore what their hearts are telling them are the “right” things they “should” be doing in favor of what looks good to others or what looks good on paper, &c. &c. &c. But to live a life that makes your heart actually hurt? To lead a life in which you are deceiving only yourself? I can’t help but think that is not only not “right” but that it is actually physically detrimental.

That is my “wisdom” for the day. I do hope I can get back in my “own” headspace and feel a little more like me soon; I am so close to being DONE with these steroids and although every drop brings all of ^^this with it as well as the inevitable “flares” (right now it is my right eye and uveitis … and it is not fun … and it is scary as hell….), my body is NOT coping well with these meds (see: bone and tooth deterioration, water retention, &c. &c. &c.) and I think I would have to be on death’s door to NEED these meds again (literally; I think if I were to take them like this again just for a “flare” that THEY would kill me). At any rate, I hope you are all having a wonderfully happy and healthy weekend! I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to read this and my other posts! I will be back soon soon soon … with any luck, with my own brain back in my head and not some … weird peach….

❤ Always, Beth