Thursday Thought

Here is yet ANOTHER TRULY succinct post! I’m on a roll! *CHEERS!*

I think those of us who are “givers” in life – those of us who tend to “give give give” in relationships of any kind – are either the children of abusive parents or narcissistic parents or had some other experience in our early lives (such as being bullied) that caused us PAIN. I have thought about the subject of “pain” (in its many forms) more than anyone should really “think” about any one subject and I have come to the conclusion that PAIN is almost always (I qualify that always with an “almost” because I know I cannot think of EVERY situation and EVERY circumstance) the result of the individual in pain experiencing a “lack” of some kind. This “lack” is often the feeling that accompanies something like feeling unheard or unappreciated in some way. To tie that back in, those of us who have learned to “give” in relationships did so in order to avoid the “lack” and the subsequent PAIN caused by others TAKING from us. For me, this “taking” was often of “friendship;” for others, it might have been love or affection or stability or any of a number of things that we “need” as humans. After so many experiences with having this “thing” taken from us, we developed the coping strategy / defense mechanism of simply GIVING BEFORE any “taking” could occur; that is, we learned that it was LESS painful simply to give or give up (on) something or someone BEFORE that thing or person was taken from us. The subsequent “lack” we experienced, therefore, was changed into something we could perceive as “beneficial.” We could see that we had GIVEN something (or someone) and therefore we could TELL OURSELVES THAT WHAT WE HAD DONE WAS A “GOOD” DEED, an act of selflessness, an act of charity. The problem with that is not only that we have learned to give to the point of absolute detriment but that we have DISGUISED the “negative” LACK as something “POSITIVE.”

If you are a giver – and this ties in with chronic illness quite well (I could list a number of circumstances in which chronic illness causes someone to be a “giver”) – think back and try to identify what or who it was that took so much from you that you learned that giving away what you inherently need is somehow less painful than having it taken from you. It might be a painful process in and of itself to think back and reflect on this and to identify the sources of this kind of behavior – especially if the sources were your parents or other people who were supposed to be your “caretakers” when you were young and / or ill. I do, however, believe that identifying this “thing” or person and acknowledging it is the first step toward “acceptance;” and it truly is in acceptance that we can find HEALING.

I hope that was helpful to some of you and I hope you are all having a wonderful, happy, and healthy day wherever you are in the world!

❤ Always, Beth (<- the giver, whose heart is ALWAYS with YOU!)