There is way too much to discuss on this topic in general regarding chronic illness – especially as I am trying to *fingers crossed* getting ready to go to sleep! However, revisiting the last post about Tenma and the “relative value of human lives” and the complex issues just the [equal / not equal] presents all of us with started me thinking about the real implications of holding both positions simultaneously (necessarily). With chronic illness, we NECESSARILY experience grief – the sense of loss we feel over and regarding many things, experiences, relationships, &c., is one that is palpable even when it entered the past long ago. The episode of “Monster” in which Tenma falls to his knees outside the BKA Office as he realizes more and more that all of these atrocities have occurred because he saved a life trying to prove his “conviction” that all human lives are equal got me to thinking about that sense of grief, of how we, as individuals who suffer with chronic illness are always trying to PROVE who we are (we have to do so – and with much more effort not only due to our circumstances but because others just do things and we have to prove that we are these things and can do them, &c.,) – prove our beliefs, prove what we can do, &c. And it’s interesting because this brings up a secondary “dialectic,” one side of which is grief. We could say happiness also arises from this “need to prove” ourselves and who we are because when we accomplish these things we know we have accomplished things that others will likely never know (and have overcome obstacles others will likely never even acknowledge, wherein part of the grief also arises!). However, knowing how much we have had to lose to get to that point – how many years, how many best friends, how many relationships, how many experiences, &c., brings about a grief that “healthy” people also will likely never understand.

I suppose with all of this pre-sleeping ranting I am just trying to tie together the loose ends of some of these posts. It does all come together (as things always do in life, whether or not we choose to acknowledge this or do acknowledge this!) – it is just a matter of making this a reality and making it our reality. It is certainly a challenge, at best.

Hoping to wake up to a better albeit cooler day! Again, wishing you a happy and healthy day (or night!) wherever you might be in the world!!


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